Category: Writing

It was by far the biggest market research exercise undertaken by Kitli Times (KT), along with the expert of the field, NBPN.

11,400 individuals from the various strata of the Amdavadi society were painstakingly selected and interviewed by the KT-NBPN team of professionals.

And what we found was nothing short of shocking.

46 % of the respondents feel that Sardar Manmohan Singhji should now become the President of India. Because he is the most suited person as per the demands of 10, Janpath. Oops, we mean, demands of the nation. He not only is the most experienced for the job but is also a nice human being. What a rare combination. Otherwise, when do nice people in India get the opportunity to get experienced!

However, Manmohan Singh is at least a politician (or something similar to that; or maybe not. Hmmm! Maybe he is. Oh come on, at least he is in a party of seasoned politicians. Bingo. That’s what he is – a part of a fluid group of hardened politicians). Whatever.

So, Sardar Manmohan Singh has got at least something to do with politics. (Or has he? Oh come on, don’t you start the whole thing all over again.)

Anyway, as we were trying to say, Manmohan Singh is at least found with people ideally meant for politics, but the 2nd preference of Ahmedabad City has never had much love lost for politicians. In fact, he never had any love lost for anyone in this world – except for musicians from Pakistan and, of course, for itching his underarms through the perennially open buttons of his shirt.

Yes, you’ve squirmed rightly in your thoughts – the 2nd most preferred candidate for the next President of India is the Mahesh opinion-a-second Bhatt.

Most of the respondents agreed that not only is his opinion never required but also not ever heard. And it is precisely that rare trait, which makes Bhatt a suitable candidate.

A distant third, but with a healthy 14 % nevertheless, is the flavour of the season, our very own Himesh Reshammiya. Going with the consistent barbs at his allegedly nasal singing, those who took the polls in Ahmedabad went ahead and cast their vote for the ability of Himesh to not only keep his nose high but also to feed and respect it! They all believed that the trait would stand in good stead while UPHOLDING the nose (respect) of the office of the President.
As ever, one can expect GLOVADIs to come up with ingenious reasons for their decisions. But then, that’s what makes this city such a vibrant one – with or without the extravaganza of the same name every year.

Others in contention were Bhairon Singh Shekhavat (4% – “he’s old now and deserves to have a comfortable retired life at Rashtrapati Bhavan”!) Pratibha Patil (2% – “she’s old and a woman and deserves to have a comfortable retired life at Rashtrapati Bhavan”!), APJ Abdul Kalam (1.5% – “Saaro maanas chhe, my kids like him”) and the local pride, Parthiv Patel (0.5% – “khaali, emaj (for no particular reason, JUST)”!)

Well, one may or may not agree with the results thrown up by this massive poll by KT-NBPN, but the authorities in Delhi would have to sit up and take notice of the voice of the 7th biggest city of India.

As for you, GLOVADIs, send us your views on the painstaking opinion poll. Tell us your views on the results, on the candidates or maybe your views on just about anything. Who cares anyway.

Monsoon is for dogs. Especially for those who don’t wear suits and live on the streets. Winter is for the one in suits. Which other season can beat the heavenly period of hiding (kutchchi) beer bellies under leather jackets and for once, making your partner feel good about you. Of course, the fun last only till the leather jacket exists.

But the season that is boutique-designed for us girls is summers. It’s the season that separates real bodies from the accessories. Trust me, flimsy cotton T-shirts reveal the entire story about the boys who had roamed around us on bikes and leather jackets all winter long. And must admit here, we do end up falling for one or two of them. Thank God for summers, at least some of them get eliminated before any serious damage is done to our dupattas! Or beyond that.

But the biggest one for us in the season is that it is the only season that gives us, us girls, to check out guys without any strain or restrain. Oh yes, one can drill around for as long as one wants and the chances of it being found out remain slim.

On the other hand, men have no option but to either ‘extrapolate to infinity’ the person inside the jute bag or ignore our presence on Amdavadi roads as an attack of the clones! What makes things particularly satisfying for us girls is that because of our foolproof clothing, guys are always too scared to say anything or stare for long. Because for their efforts in being the Hrithik of Dhoom 2, they might end up finding out that the Mallika within the dupatta is actually their little sister Malti!

Jiske liye humne rakhi thhee nayi T-shirt pehen,
Nikli woh to us T-shirt ko gift karne walli hi behen

However, whether we like it or not, we end up practicing the fine art of seduction every time we park our two-wheeler nearby a big group of guys. For, quite like the readers of mystery novels, the young men wait with bated breath to see us come out of the various layers of the fabric-sun-screen. Soon, we learn to tease them by going slow and methodical about coming out of the various layers of the purdah.

The idea is not to put on a show for anyone. The idea is to inculcate the confidence of being very near to a group of men, without getting too nervous about it. And that’s the beauty of summers. It allows us to design our own safety gear. Just as it teaches guys to be afraid, very afraid of teasing any girl. Least of all their own real sister.

Copies of the very confidential and potentially fiery reports submitted by the Coach and players to BCCI are now with KT. We were surprised by the candour with which all the concerned have poured their heart out on the issues surrounding the World Cup debacle. Here’s a sneak peek for you. Remember, you got it first on KT.

Greg:
Obviously everyone’s extremely  disappointed with the results. And a lot of talk is going around about a lot of things. But I would like to make one thing very clear – there are NO attitude problems; there is NO groupism in the team and the seniors really, really TAKE GOOD CARE of the juniors.
That probably comes from the fact that India is a great country; with a  great culture. It is a peace loving country – as it should be. The fans are really great and peace loving – as they should be. As they really should be.
…
PS 1: Pawar, mate, I don’t want to live in a hotel. Can you get me into some good place, like Bombay Hospital or something? NOW.
PS 2: I’ll email or sms the other half of my report to you from Australia.

Rahul:
The boys played really well. Unfortunately we could not play as well as we would have probably liked to. But full credit to the boys. I mean, it’s kind of sad that we did not get the results that we probably would have liked; but the boys played really well. I hope we can take out a few things from the contest and build a team for the next world cup.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to continue.

Sachin:
I’m sad and hurt. After 17 years of playing for the country, it seems I will have to play for 4 more years. I feel tired. But my commitment cannot be questioned. By person of any nationality. I have given my heart and soul to score over 14,000 runs. I’m sure that a few hundred timely runs would help us win the next World Cup.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to lead the team

Sourav:
I’m playing well. My records show it. I consider the knock of 60-odd runs in 120-odd balls against Bangladesh as my best contribution in the World Cup. As I said, I’m playing well. And I plan to continue playing for India for at least a couple of more years.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to lead again

Virender:
We played three games there and I got a century in one of them. A player is only as good as his last two games. And I average over 70 in my last two games. I’m playing well. And I have no complaints against any Australian.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to be vice captain

Sreesanth:
I bowled Veeru twice a day in nets. Rahul didn’t find it good enough.

Anil:
I have retired.
…
PS 1: You know why.
PS 2: I’m willing to come back if you insist enough.

Ajit:
I don’t know what is to be written here. I would say that whatever Sachin says is true.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to play under Sachin.

Harbhajan:
I still remember Australia’s tour to India when we beat them in test series. It was a high point in my career. I will try to reach that status again. Dada says I can do that if I play under him.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to play under dada

Zaheer:
People say that the moment I  bowled the first ball of our match against Sri Lanka wide, down the leg side, they were reminded of the 2003 Final. And that they knew then that we would lose. I gave only 10 runs in the first over this time, as against 15 in the 2003 final. And we still lost. So, I guess it is all destiny.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to play under dada

Yuvraj:
I don’t care what media writes. I don’t care for anyone else too. I played well and would have won the match for India if Rahul had not run me out. Sachin is right about commitment. Rahul is a very good man.
…
PS 1: I’m ready to play under dada

Irfan:
Shaayad Allah ko manzoor nahin thha ki main ek bhi match kheloon. Thheek hai. Abhee toh umra padi hai.

Dinesh:
I fielded well in the nets and never gave the seniors any reason for complaints.
…
PS 1: Did you read the article in which Greg talked of me as the future captain?
PS 2: I did not pay him.

Mahender Singh:
Sometimes it works. Some times it does not. This time it did not. Bas.

“Yeh duniya ek rangmanch hai babu moshai”, Rajesh Khanna had so memorably told Amitabh in the cult classic Anand. But Neel Shah is not sure if Khanna had in mind the breed of ‘Gurubhai’ who’ve made a career out of turning this world into a farcical stage.

The problem with the rat race is that even if you win the race, you’re still a rat. Add to it the fact that we don’t seem to be winning the race anyway. As Calvin, of the Hobbes fame, would have said for the situation – rats!

One way to be out of the rat race is to change our species! Yeah, for all we know, we might end up as the undisputed kings and queens of the pig race. Sounds yucky? Well that’s because we are presently at the bottom of the heap. As management philosophers would tell us, if you are at the top, you can throw up a lot of non-sense and there would always be people to clear it up and earn you the credit for their work.

In any case, with the markets opening up and globalization driving most local buses, conventional jobs are no longer ‘happening’. People are venturing into fields that were previously, well, not considered ‘a field’ itself. And yet, there are examples of people prospering in those ‘non-fields’.

When I was in college, all of us used to joke that the way ahead would be to build a temple in the city. After all, we grew up watching stones in the middle of busy roads end up becoming huge temples,  flush with funds, stature & ‘brand equity’. With millions of local and non-resident ‘believers’ leaving behind sacks full of green paper in the ‘Daan Peti’ of all such temples, the ‘return on investment’ would have been handsome and it wouldn’t have been long before we got featured in the Forbes list of world’s most powerful ‘spiritual businessmen’. Hmmm! Sounds almost divine.

Talking of divinity, how can we be too far away from mentioning women. (Hey! Don’t  look at me like that, you woman hater, there are some quirky Gods too, remember?) Yes, I once had, and still have, great interest in studying women’s psychology. I still believe that understanding a woman’s brain is the most difficult, if not impossible, job in the world. Being sure of my feeling being shared by at least half of the planet, I had then thought of opening up a counseling class; and help people get a better idea about the other half of the world. So that they could make informed decisions in life.
But of late, with my dadi and buaji visiting our home frequently and the resulting explosion of religious talks, I have now laid my eyes on the ‘career’ of a so-called dharma or spiritual gurus.

When one ooffice recently, my father did not have a second thought f them had come to our before ‘gifting’ a microwave to him. I learnt about it being a gift when no money every came from the ‘guru’ for the machine. Anyway, with most of them moving around in Mercedes and flying to US and Europe to ‘enlighten their disciples’ I should not shed many tears for a mere microwave. After all, it has gone to a person who is all about renunciation!

All scoffed and endured, the point here is that whether it is about connecting with God or with one’s own inner self or psyche, the process has now, unfortunately, become dotted with ‘consultants’, ‘gurus’ and ‘professional help’. Whereas in an ideal world, one’s own self, family and friends would have played that role. Without making us pay for their worldly desires. And most importantly, without trying to benefit from our emotions.